Fairy Tales
by Aries Draco
Summary: ...are not for children. read the warnings inside for more details


Fairy Tales… Are Not for Children

Fairy Tales… Are Not for Children

By: Schuldig Engel

Pairings: Hirofumi X Masafumi, Brad X Schuldig, Nagi X Omi, Schoen -- Masafumi, Tot -- Nagi, Takatori -- Masafumi.

A/N: *Laughter* Here's my re-telling of a popular fairy tale… twisted… *insane laughter* Warnings? Character bashing, character death, yaoi, incest and insanity. Enjoy the story. *Laughs maniacally* Oh yes, since I haven't watched Weiss for so long, there might be OOC-ness.

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Introducing the characters:

Schu Engel - narrator

Schoen - Cinderella

Hirofumi - Evil stepfather

Tot - Evil stepsister 1

Omi - 'Evil stepsister' 2

Farfarello - Fairy godmother

Takatori Reiji - King

Masafumi - Prince

Nagi - Second prince

Brad - Messenger

Schuldig - Messenger

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Schu Engel: "Got the story yet? Good. For those idiots who don't, it's Cinderella. All characters do not belong to me except for me." *Pause* "Did that make any sense? This fic is written as payment for borrowing manga. Ahem, let's begin, shall we?"

Schu Engel: "Once upon a time lived a beautiful girl. She was well loved until her father died. Her mother, distraught, re-married a widower with two daughters. At the death of her mother, Cindere… I mean, Schoen was reduced to the position of a slave..."

Hirofumi: "Schoen! Where did you put my plans?"

Schoen: (trudges through very cluttered study) "I wouldn't know, I didn't tidy your study."

Hirofumi: (seething) "You were supposed to… two weeks ago."

Schoen: (looks horrified) "What? And ruin my nails?"

Schu Engel: (cough) "Obviously, she wasn't a very good slave."

Hirofumi + Tot + Omi: "You can say that again."

Schu Engel: (sweatdrop) "Anyway… One fine day, there was a knock at the door of their enormous mansion…"

Schoen: (holding a broom at arm's length) "This is gonna give me splinters!" (throws it aside and opens the door) "What do you want?"

Schu Engel: "The two people standing outside the door were messengers for the king. They had an important invitation to deliver."

Brad: (deadpan) "We are messengers from Mister… I mean, King Takatori and we have and important invitation to deliver."

Schoen: (blink) (bursts out laughing)

Schu Engel: "Did I neglect to mention that both messengers were dressed in bright pink? It has got something to do with the King's fetishes." (major sweatdrop)

Schuldig: (grumbling) "Tell me about it."

Brad: (trying to ignore the fact that a mere SERVANT GIRL was laughing at him) "The King as issued an invitation to all eligible youths to attend the ball for the princes Masafumi and Nagi to decide on a bride… or groom."

Tot: (running up to them) "Really? Then I can see my Nagi-kun again!" (hugs her stuffed rabbit) "Right, Usagi-chan? It would be nice to see Nagi-kun again!"

Schoen: (sneers at her in disgust) "Simple minded idiot. We accept the invite."

Schuldig: (turns around and walks away) "I just find something strange."

Brad: (catching up with him) "And what might that be?"

Schuldig: "Why did Takatori invite his son who was supposedly married and widowed to the party and why don't Hirofumi's 'kids' look like him?"

Brad: "Convenient plot object?"

Schuldig: (shrug, then stretches) "This is too boring. Let's go screw!"

Schu Engel: (@)_(@) (coughs) "And so, the… uh… family prepared for the ball."

Tot: "Schoen! Get my outfit prepared!"

Omi: "Schoen! Polish my darts!"

Hirofumi: "Shcoen! Listen to your sisters!"

Schoen: (muttering) "Schoen this! Schoen that! Everything is Schoen, Schoen, Schoen! Do I even get to go to the ball?"

Hriofumi: (gets an evil idea) "If you do everything we say, we'll let you follow us to the ball."

Tot + Omi: (horrified) "No!"

Schoen: "Yes!" (thinks to self) "I will get hooked with Massfumi and blow this joint!" (roses appear in the background) "Masa-chan…"

Schu Engel: (blanches) "Urgh… Let's take a look at the ball preparations in the palace."

Masafumi: "For the last time, this ball is stupid! I don't even want to get married!"

Takatori: "Masa-chan, it's either get married or marry me." (leer)

Masafumi: (pales) "I'll get hooked."

Nagi: (resigned sigh) "I hope this doesn't end up with me pulling the palace down with my telekinesis like the last time." (pause) "Then again…"

Takatori: "Don't even think about it! Where are the messengers, by the way?"

Nagi: (very bored) "They said that they had finished delivering all the invitations and you can find them in that closet over there."

Closet: "Oh damn! They're at it again?" (really loud… noises… emanate from the closet)

Masafumi: (resigned sigh) (picks up guest list) "Hm? Onii-chan is coming too?" (sparkly eyes)

Schu Engel: (throws up) "Sorry. Can you actually picture that?" (shakes head) "Back to the story. On the night of the ball…"

Schoen: (all dressed up in a ridiculous outfit) "Can I go now?"

Hirofumi: "There's just one last task for you." (evil grin) "Clean this house from top to bottom. When you're done, you can go."

Schoen: "What?!"

Tot: "Yep, clean this house!" (pulls up her umbrella and rips some slits and holes in Schoen's outfit) "And that will help you."

Omi: (throws a few darts at her, pinning her to a wall by her clothes) "Yes, it will make it cooler and allow you more movement space. Of course, to make sure you can never attend, I'll just have to pin you there."

All three: (evil laugh) "Ja ne!"

Schu Engel: "Oh yeah! Great job!" (notices that it was said out loud) "Ahem. So, after the carriage to the ball was long gone, Schoen managed to free herself. She desperately wished to go to the ball to see her Masa-chan. To her surprise, there was a bright flash of light."

Schoen: "What the *beep*?! Who the hell are you?"

Farfarello: "I'm your fairy godmother."

Schoen: (makes a face) "You have no fashion sense. I mean, a pink miniskirt over tight leather black pants and a tube-top? Please, you're a god-damned guy!"

Farfarello: (laughs insanely) "Tight pants hurt God! Pink hurts God!"

Schoen: (major sweatdrop) "So, you're gonna help me get to the ball."

Farfarello: (thinks) "Schu Engel told me that sending this girl to the ball would hurt God." (turns to Schoen) "Okay."

Schu Engel: (whistles innocently) "The transformation scenes have been skipped thanks to the author getting tired. Meanwhile, at the ball…"

Nagi: (getting glomped by Tot and Omi) "Get away from me!" (throws Tot into a wall, making a pretty, red pattern. Guests scream at the display of violence) (turns to Omi) "Omi-kun…"

Omi: "Is she really dead?" (kiss)

Nagi: (moan) "Yes."

Omi: (grin) "Let's take this up to your room…"

Masafumi: (looks annoyed at display) "Those bloodstains are going to be a bitch to clean off."

Schu Engel: "Suddenly, the door was flung open. Many jaws dropped as the ex-model strolled calmly into the ballroom. She made her way through the dance floor unchallenged."

Schoen: "Masa-chan…" (drapes herself over him) "Won't you marry me?"

Masafumi: (sweatdrop)

Hirofumi: (storming up to them) "Hands off, bitch! He's mine!"

Schoen: (snarling) "Oh yeah? You're married!"

Hirofumi: "It was all an act to get away from the palace! Here is my one true love!"

Schoen: (makes face) "Now that's just disgusting! With your own brother?!"

Hirofumi: "Masa-chan deserves better than you."

Schoen: "Why you…" (starts bitch-slapping him)

Hirofumi: "Slut!" (fights back)

Masafumi: "Onii-chan! Don't get hurt!"

Schuldig: (from the other side of the room) (chuckles) "Now this is getting interesting."

Brad: "Don't talk with your mouth full." (moans)

Schuldig: (smirk) "Don't talk with yours empty. Why don't we make this a 69?"

Brad: (growl) "Over my dead body. Anyway, there isn't enough space. Get back to sucking."

Schuldig: "Fine!"

Schu Engel: (@)_(@) "Need footage… Must film…" (snaps out of it) "Back to the main focus!"

Hirofumi: (kicks Schoen in her face)

Schoen: (gasps) (pulls out compact) "My beautiful face! It's ruined!" (starts sobbing)

Masafumi: (talking to Nagi) "So, will you do it?"

Nagi: (glances at the impatient Omi) "Payment?"

Masafumi: "A new state-of-the-art computer, your own fastest internet connection and whatever games you want to buy."

Nagi: $_$ "Okay!"

Omi: "Wait, throw in a summer home."

Masafumi: "Fine." ^[ $ ]^ (muttering) "The price to pay…"

Hirofumi + Schoen: (still having a catfight)

Nagi: (walks over, picks up Schoen with his telekinesis and throws her into another wall) "Mission, accomplished."

Schu Engel: "Now that Tot and Schoen are dead, the two princes could finally enjoy time with their loved ones. Needless to say, they were awake for the rest of the night doing all sorts of stuff. The end."

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Epilogue:

Hirofumi and Masafumi got married and took over the kingdom after Takatori's untimely death. 

(voice over) Aya: "Takatori, shi-ne!" (/voice over)

Nagi and Omi lead a normal, carefree life as professional hackers.

(voice over) Random stock person: "Oh f***!" (/voice over)

Brad and Schu…

(voice over) Schuldig: "Harder! Oh yes!" (/voice over) 

Sweatdrop.

This is the very end.

The end.


End file.
